In terms of “quality time” with children not being what we expect.
We are parents – and we expect a lot of ourselves. Why don’t we have some good quality time with “this child” or with “these children”. Let’s take advantage of this moment we say. Perhaps we are feeling a bit guilty about shoving them off for the last while. The necessities of the day forcing us into our own tired out place of self regret - whatever the case, we make an effort to focus on the children – lets say, to play a game, play make-believe, something for which we have to abandon our own goals for the day, even if briefly, and sit on the floor or otherwise get on their level.
Great, fantastic. But what of the times when it feels as though we are wasting our time? Perhaps the children are only interested in arguing about the game? The older constantly corrects or derides the younger. The younger perhaps is exceptionally whining at every opportunity, or even at times when there shouldn’t even be an opportunity. Perhaps instead of enjoying the "quality time", we feel like we are pulling and pushing and otherwise keeping the whole thing from spinning out of control – keeping the little planet in orbit so to speak. The evening meal together could be another good example of this feeling.
So we are left wondering if this “quality time” thing is merely a myth. Or perhaps it will feel like quality time at some later point? Or better yet – maybe, as bad as it feels to sort out arguments, protect the weak, cheer on the disconsolate, and simply being there in the midst of the chaos as a proponent of relational “working it out” – is the best kind of quality time in terms of family building. Are the arenas of adult life any more functional or placid? Think of your workplace or that of your spouse – or anywhere else that humans have to form a group and work at a congregate goal.
I find myself believing that this groundwork, grunge work, in the trenches type of parenting – in the midst of the relational chaos of the children with their tensions, their moods, their discord and otherwise non-placid behavior – is actually the primary place that we as humans are able to learn to function as people. So what ends up feeling like a waste of time, or even failure on our part, is actually of exacting importance. Too bad it is so difficult to see in the moment.
