I Must be Running a Marathon

I must be running a marathon soon. I'm working on my second pair of running shoes for the year and I've been wearing a "hydration belt" along on my runs that can carry 40 oz of fluid. There are sweat-soaked pieces of clothing constantly drying in the laundry room and my wife has had it up to here with descriptions of running aches and pains, misgivings about how well training is going, etc. My 6 year-old daughter asks questions like, "is today a running day, Daddy?" and there are phrases on my workout calendar like "2 mile warmup" and "easy 8 miles". There are also more obvious phrases like "22 miles LSD" (long slow distance). (does the 22 miles really need this clarification? it's not like I'm going to run 22 miles at a 10k pace or something) Fortunately there was only one of those phrases on the calendar.

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So it must be true. I'm hoping to still run my first marathon (26.2 miles for the uninitiated) in 7 days on September 26. I made this decision back on June 7th, nigh 15 weeks ago. My health has been stellar, my usual shin pain has even been kept under the radar - no complaints for me. That is, until yesterday when a frustrating 6 mile run revealed its true cause later in the evening with a sore throat and possibly (hopefully) a case of strep throat. How can I have trained all these weeks and 484 miles just to be taken down in the final stretch by a measly infection? I was miffed and went to bed without washing the dishes, just to show this infection a thing or two.

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But if I remember why I'm running, maybe how I run won't matter as much - maybe. When I decided to run this marathon, I wanted to run it in honor of Shannon's battle with cancer - and I'm still running it for her, but now it will also be in her memory. Dawn tells me that even if I only run part of it, or have to run it slow, running it will still be great. She's right, but I want to run it fast. I was first inspired to run in middle school when Shannon started running to the end of the road and back. I started to run with her and decided that running track would be cool. When I was too depressed in high school to run track anymore, she encouraged me just to run for God. One track season we made a healthy eating vow for 3 months of no sugar or sweets that we kept together. (man that was tough) When I started running half marathons a couple years ago, she was thrilled. When she started being treated for cancer and got weaker and weaker, she gradually stopped being able to run, and then even to walk. After her treatments she was back out on the road, building up her strength with short walks. I wanted to run this marathon for her - for the times when she couldn't run. I wanted her to experience through me the joy of running, hard and fast. And I still will - there will just me more tears on the road.

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Things I've learned while training for a marathon:

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1. running 22 miles in a row feels just as bad as it sounds
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2. running more than 15 miles without bringing along something to drink is really dumb (in medical circles they refer to this as dehydration)

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3. long distance running is really just a way to make insanity look organized

(but it works)

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4. the first two hours out on the road are relatively easy, then it comes down to guts and passion

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5. long hair doesn't have to be a problem, with enough sweat the hair will sweep back over your head nicely and pretty much stay there

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6. if you're going to run 500 miles in a summer, don't be surprised by a steady stream of sore, tired, aching bones and muscles throughout your body

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7. the most meaningful things in life don't cost money but aren't completely free, they take discipline, sacrifice and dedication

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8. running a marathon is a family sport - they all have to make a sacrifice to give you so much time to yourself

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p.s. wondering about the picture? it's my "sweet" coat that I found at the salvation army. after buying this coat for 7 dollars and a pair of nice corduroys for 3 - I announced proudly to my wife on the way home that I have decided to only buy used clothing from now on - the prices are wonderful and the clothing has so much more character. then I did some reflecting and realized that I've already been doing that for the last 8 years. so it wasn't that great of an idea after all, although I'm even more enthused about buying and wearing really unique clothing. yes! Matthew's true character returns!

p.p.s. if you want to join my family in watching a fun marathon event and remembering Shannon (and watching me do organized insanity), then join us on Saturday the 26th at Akron

Our Time in Its Beautiful Way

when my fingers trace the shape of you

along your face

with its softened skin

I sense you far beneath

down, down below the surface

deeper and deeper

beyond my knowing

beyond my sleepless stare

my eyes watery and washed

drowning in great salt waves

heaved from their burning ocean of tumult

thundering and dissolving my world
our world together

until I am undone

unmasked and mistook

aimless in my convictions
harrowed in my night

harrowed in my night

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our time in its beautiful way

like ice crystals completely shattered

sprinkled in a graceful arc

across mountains and deserts

and all the empty air

all the empty air

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a great loss is thrust upon me

piercing my chest to bursting flesh

its cavity scraped, scoured and blood-let

excised of its beatings

its hormonal angst

its pure love

its devotion

its haste

my splintered ribs clutch

at their barren vacancy

for entrails discarded

scattered into four winds

and many secret places

many secret places
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walking the night along its ruddy breezes

its tempest breathing in and out

scalding me with ambivalence

pressing into my face the unimaginable

the unquenched path

and its unforeseen end

undeniable

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your footfalls in the darkness

I walk towards you

and away again

towards you

and away again

a circling search

of a place I can know again

of a time I can remember

how to be

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I watch for your shadow

undulating among the trees

among the slanted slopes

I touch your hair

and remember you

where you had once been

once ruminated and embraced

and died openly

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empty, I float away

above the earth and this time

above my mumblings

my disdain, my reproach

secretive and bubbling sweet

a silky dream

tucked in a crevice

like a coiled web
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I await your returning

and vow to wait

to sink back with the rain

into the low-lying puddles

and muddy spots

collected

trickled down and distilled

remade and undone
remade again

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memories in gentle roundabout currents

swirl me along the dotted earth

replace my disgrace
rearrange my disguise

upend my brimming heart

convolute my silence

and my hope

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I've been bitten

down deep

where I cannot go

where I cannot go

to stop the bleeding

flowers I picked for Shannon with her scarf

More Insight

We as a family agreed to an autopsy to investigate the cause of Shanon's death. No cancer was found in the body. However, a "pinhole" was discovered between the adjacent walls of her heart and stomach. This pinhole allowed air to leak from the stomach into the heart. These bubbles traveled to the bloodstream, lodging into the blood vessels of her brain, thus causing the stroke-like death of the brain.

The doctors at Cleveland Clinic have never seen this kind of pinhole develop in a person like Shannon, who had completed her cancer treatments several months before her death. When this type of pinhole develops, it is fatal within days. We as a family recognize and accept that the ways of God are mysterious. We believe that the doctors acted as wisely and prudently as was in their means and that this was simply Shannon's time to go. As usual, she surprised us all.