it's been 9 months since my sister died. for those of you who have lost someone very close, you will not mind that I talk about grief and its process. for those of you who have not, you may wish that I would get on with life, quit belaboring the issue. sometimes i wish that too, but usually I do not. usually I do not mind the twist of the gut when I hear a certain song, or the sudden heavy visceral pressure that comes down whenever I visit my parent's house. and the spinning desperate, falling sensation that dizzys me when I step into Shannon's room. .
when someone you love closely dies, it is impossible for your consciousness to swallow this in its entirety without collapsing. the moments you try, you feel death closely. most of your waking hours are not filled with a conscious awareness of their gone-ness. it is not real in this sense, reality eludes you. so these moments of realization are welcome, in a way, because the reality of their gone-ness is suddenly within your grasp. you see and feel things as they truly are.
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as the months pass, one over the other, you begin to realize that these odd, shifting planes of reality will become a permanent part of your experience. in some ways, the loss is not blurred and washed away - but becomes more and more vivid.
2 comments:
Thank you for writing what my heart says.
I've never lost someone so close, but you tell it like I can imagine it to be.
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